Lessons Learned
Three Suggestions from Veteran Stepmoms​
LookingForward's List
1. Be honest, be honest, be honest. There were times that BM's sisters tried to turn me against FDH by telling me all the horrible things he supposedly did to BM. If I didn't trust him completely, I would have been seriously thrown by the things they said - they were all partially true! But I knew they were only partially true because FDH always told me the whole story. I knew all his secrets, and their somewhat well-meaning advice did not phase me.

2. Love unconditionally. This goes along with being totally honest. When FDH and I were early in our relationship, we made a promise to each other that no matter what happened, we would agree not to judge one another. Since then I've heard some pretty horrible things (who knew people were so terrible!) but I've stood by him because he had the courage to be honest about it.

3. Acknowledge your feelings, and then let them go. Grudges are exhausting and they take up so much energy. And with SMOMhood, there are a LOT of things you could hold grudges against. Like Catherine has said ennumerable times, sometimes when we hold grudges, it's because of childhood stuff. I can't even count the times that this turned out to be true. Ditto for when FDH has issues. And somehow, acknowledging the unconscious beliefs, the traumas, the survival strategies - it all has helped me and FDH let go immensely.
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