Lessons Learned
Three Suggestions from Veteran Stepmoms​
Annamaded's List
1. Not all smoms are created equal, but 95% of them deserve respect. -- I have attempted to lean on many different smoms here and found that not all of them can or will support her sisters. Most understand and allow you to complain and get your stress out openly. But, there are several that have a need to be the MIL of smoming. Meaning, they like to judge you from one statement or emotion that smoming elicits. DO NOT let this one "know it all" get you down. She has a need to over power instead of empower. Unless one of my sisters in smoming says something extreme or final, I believe they are looking for that shoulder to lean on. And a majority of smoms do not have family or Friends that have or are smoms, so far be it from another smom to judge her need of support.

2. This is the most testing, difficult and underappreciated role you will EVER take on. And in most cases its worth it. -- You will always have times where you are asked to be more of a parent, then less of a parent, then more of a friend and then less of a... You will need to invest in the child and give to him or her.

But, my advice to all is do so cause this child is just that, a child (a person). Not because you feel you have to because you married the father. If you do so for that reason you will harbor anger and distaste for that innocent child. (i speak this from experience) The child is not to blame. This issue is separate from their behaviors or words.

It is in you as the adult who chose this life. Smile I love the small things in my life, when SD and I have time together. When she says I have the best Smom in the world. And when she gives BM credit for something I have done/ taught her (ie: relaxing your bones from toe to head to help yourself go to sleep) I have taught myself to look at it as a compliment. Its her brains way of saying this must have been mommy cause that is the kind of thing a mommy does. Big Grin *** this is NOT always as easy as I am making it sound. We as smoms are still human, which leads me to #3.

3. You are a human, you have emotions, you have needs, you have other parts of you. You are NOT defined as a Smom. -- Respect and understand your emotions toward all of this. You will have ups and downs. You will hate it one day and then have a burst of pride the next. Your skid(s) will be the same towards you. This blended family stuff is ROUGH, no matter how healthy you try to keep it. There are major bumps and hurdles. Remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through this, you are the adult, you will always have an emotional reaction to things in your life and respect that those are natural you have to sift through them (with the help of others) and find the healthy spot for the entire family.

You can do this. We are not the first, last or only blended families out there. Abnormal is normal. Big Grin
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