Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
A- I love my partner, but I also wish his daughter didn't exist! (8/11)

A-About ready to throw in the towel! (4/12)

A-About to become a stepparent and am terrified!(5/12)

A-Are you in the mood for Stepmom's Pep Talk-read this! (3/15)

A-Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS. (11/11)

A-Do I love my stepson? Sometimes I don't know.(8/12)

A-Don't know where I went wrong. Please help me!(6/12)

A-Ever Feel Like Leaving? (5/11)

A-Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help! (12/13)

A-Feeling like the enemy in my own house. Yes I have a teen stepdaughter.(5/15)

A-From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that? (10/12)

A-Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS. (11/113)

A-How can I find the right balance & boundaries? (4/12)

A-How do I deal with all the hurt and anger? (1/12)

A-How to let go of the single life versus being stepmom?(8/15)

A-How to step back in after stepping out? (8/12)

A-I need some better coping skills and I'm open to new ideas.(7/16)

A-Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough. (2/16)

A-It's too much work- I need help from my partner & Family!(7/12)

A-Not a step mom yet but need some guidance (7/12)

A-Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!! (10/13)

A-Self-Pity-an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic-find a new option. (7/15)

A-What about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help! (10/11)

A-What are reasonable expectations? (3/11)

A-When to call it quits? What to do? (3/12)

A-Why am I so jealous? What about my irrational fears? 7/15)

A-Why don't I matter in this stepfamily? (12/11)

B-Dealing with SD at my young age (7/15)

B-Feeling resentment towards my stepson and can't connect with him.(2/16)

B-How can I handle my stepdaughter(8) who loves negative attention? (8/12)

B-How do I deal with a bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me? (9/13)

B-How do I handle my feelings when my stepchild stops saying I love you? (4/16)

B-How do I help her understand chores/rules don't mean that I don’t love her?(1/12)

B-How to help my stepson, when his mom encourages him to lie to us? (10/11)

B-How to make the transition between homes easier for stepkids?(12/17)

B-I am frustrated with my stepkids 99% of the time...help! (5/14)

B-I feel left out and invisible with grown SDs (4/12)

B-I have issues with my teenage stepdaughter and the car...Ugh! (4/12)

B-I have two stepkids I can't control.(9/11)

B-I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson. (6/12)

B-I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter (5/12)

B-I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me. (12/11)

B-It feels like my 5-year old stepson throws his mom in my face! Help! (10/11)

B-Just jealous or maybe time to leave? (6/11)

B-My 3 yr old stepson seems to be crying all the time!(9/12)

B-My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night. (10/12)

B-My stepdaughter chooses her bio-mom for school play-it upsets me. (6/11)

B-My stepkids don't recognize how much their dad does for them. (6/11)

B-Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter (3/12)

B-What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old stepson? (4/11)

B-When your stepkids are away on Christmas Day. (12/12)

B-Why do things my stepkids say bother me so much? (11/11)

B-Why does my stepson idolize his bio-mom? (4/12)

B-Why does my stepson's rudeness bother me so much? (12/11)

C-Bio-mom assaulted me & told stepkids it was the other way around. (8/11)

C-Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do? (8/11)

C-Bio-mom doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on? (8/11)

C-Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.(8/15)

C-Bio-mom is badmouthing me to my stepson & he tells me and my kids.(6/16)

C-Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what? (9/11)

C-How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices? (6/11)

C-How to deal when bio-mom returns into the picture. (1/16)

C-How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$? (9/12)

C-No matter what I do, bio-mom still hostile. I feel hopeless and scared.(3/17)

C-What to do when bio-mom turns my stepdaughter against me? (9/16)

C-When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your partner-what to do? (5/11)

D-How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family? I'm more realistic. (4/12)

D-Husband still has divorce guilt and his kids are in their 30’s--ugh! (10/14)

D-I think the problem is my partner. Why is he fighting my efforts?(6/15)

D-My partner doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt. (7/11)

D-My partner feels divorce guilt so lets his ex interrupt outlives (6/18)

D-My partner w/3 bio-kids is not trying to bond w/ my 2 kids.(8/11)

D-Partner sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do? (8/11)

E-A bio-mom worried about her daughter's new Stepmom. Will we help? (2/12)

E-Bio-mom is online stalking and has issues w/ pictures of stepkids. (6/12)

E-Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family (5/12)

E-Dealing w/ unkind stepkids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship? (2/12)

E-Help w/situation that dad, biomom & stepkids all agree on but not me! (3/11)

E-How do I change my attitude towards my new inherited family? (4/12)

E-How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend? (8/12)

E-How to deal with a lying stepdaughter, her bio-mom & ex-stepmom? (1/12)

E-I feel jealous of my partner's ex & unheard by my partner. (10/11)

E-I want my bed back! (5/11)

E-Jealous of sister-in-law and my stepkids. What can I do? (8/12)

E-My partner found out he has a daughter-I feel terrible (10/12)

E-Stubborn partner and sexually active teenage SS (8/12)

E-Transitions and Coparenting Struggles (3/16)

E-Trouble coping w/BF's newborn and his ex-spouse. (7/12)

E-What boundaries do I need to set with husband and stepdaughter? (11/11)

E-When BM causes drama, how to preserve my relationship w/ stepkids?(6/12)

C-Bio-mom doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on? (8/11)
Hi Cathryn,

I'm in a relationship with a great guy and wonderful father....He has three kids ranging age from 3 to 8.

The Bio-Mom told him she was done with the kids tonight.  This is what he wants to have the kids all the time.  

I’m fine with the kids here and to be part of their lives.  I have no issues with the Bio-mom and seem to get along with her when we are in the same place.

The history between the Bio-mom and Bio-Dad....they never were married.  They have been separated for over a 1 year.  How it ended (I was told) She had affair.  Now Bio-Dad does not respect her and really wants her to out of the picture.
Bio-Mom has been reported to Social Service for kicking her son in the face.  Bio-mom does not cook and usually give the kids cereal, or frozen food for all meals.  She does not love them after they have been punished.  She seems to be interested and take kids when it hurts the Bio-Dad. Bio-mom has been in contact with other mothers who almost do everything with their kids.  Bio-mom seem to be wanting to be there with them, but doesn't really care about the kids once she is in the presents of other mothers.

The issue or question:  lately bio-mom has been calling bio-dad for everything from bring foil to cook chicken for the kids, but in reality she had ham sandwiches to losing the keys to the car so Bio-Dad comes to the rescue.  

This is what I believe why is Bio-mom is giving up the kids...bio-mom does not like that I am in the mix.  Therefore by having the kids all the time, maybe I will leave and get tired of the kids.  The kids are a hand full but seem to have a better time with us.

Plus, the Bio-Dad and I are having our own challenges and communication problems.  The Bio-Dad has been having issues with me in the mix when it comes to having events with the Bio-mom. (but only then. other times with just me, him and the kids...we are fine)

I really don't understand why she is giving up her kids other then what I describe.  Am I thinking wrong?  Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER?  Should I not think of this?  

I am just sad if she really wants to give up her kids and have nothing to do with them.  If she thinks this will make me leave Bio-Dad...she has a rude waking.

Thanks for your response and I look forward to hearing from you

xappie

CATHRYN’S REPLY

Dear xappie,

I’ve read your letter 3 times now and each time I read it I feel overwhelmed by the potential number of issues I fear you’re about to face with this situation. I’d like to suggest that you read the section, “Lessons Learned” for some insights from other women who’ve been down the path you’re just beginning. (It’s under the “Get Help” now button.) While everyone’s situation has unique details, there’s much we share. Your relationship with your BF, it’s depth, strength and level of commitment are going to be a big factor is how all this effects your life going forward.

This biological mother, we call them bio-mom’s (or some call them BM’s), has got a lot of emotional issues and has already demonstrated some confusion over her desires and roles in the lives of her children. Her relationship with your BF and his feelings about her and his divorce are going to make a big difference in what happens going forward. While your BF is lucky to have you to help him, I feel the need to urge you to look at your needs and wants and dreams for your life.

Your question about “Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER? Short answer, perhaps because she IS the bio-mom and they are her responsibility. It’s a reasonable question and expectation. However, for whatever reasons she’s still doing what she’s doing, and from what you’ve described, she’s giving you a preview of her actions for the next 10-15 years!

There’s a lot of material on this site and this BB about what so many of us have experienced. A difficult bio-mom puts tremendous stress on you, your BF and your relationship...tremendous stress. Maybe something written here will help you find the answers you’re looking for. We’ll be here to support you along the way. Please join the Bulletin board so you can interact with others. You’re in for quite a journey.

I really wish you well, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
PO Box 7, Medford NJ 08055
609.206.2009
Cathryn@smoms.org