Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
2 Youngsters I can't control.

3 yr old SS crying all the time!

A bio-mom worried about new stepmom in her daughter's life- can we help?

About ready to throw in the towel!

About to become a step parent and am terrified!

Bio mom badmouthing me to my stepson & he repeats to me & my kids.

Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do?

Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.

Bio-mom is online stalking & has issues w/ pictures of skids.

Bio-mom physically assaulted me & telling skids it was the other way around?

Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?

Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS-revised

Dealing w/ bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me?

Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family

Dealing with SD at my young age

DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible

DH sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do?

DH w/3 bio-kids not trying to bond w/ my 2 bio kids.

Do I love my ss? I don't know.

Does the BB help or hurt with issues?

Don't know where I went wrong

Ever Feel Like Leaving?

FDH feels guilty about leaving BM & allows her to excessively call/text/email him.

Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help!

Feeling like the enemy in my own house: Teen SD

Feeling resentment towards my SS & can't connect

From BB- A Ritual for you & your beloved

From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that?

Help w/situation that dad, biomom & skid all agree on but I don’t feel is best

Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS

How can I find the right balance & Boundaries?

How can I handle my SD8 who loves negative attention?

How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family when I'm more realistic about it?

How do I deal with a lying SD, her bio-mom & the ex-step mom?

How do I deal with all the hurt and anger?

How do I help her understand that chores and rules don't mean that I don’t love her?

How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend?

How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices?

How to deal w/ unkind skids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship?

how to deal w/SD choosing bio-mom for school play?

How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$?

How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?

How to help ss, when BM encourages him to lie?

How to help when bio-mom returns

How to let go of the single life I thought I saw going to live versus being SMOM?

How to make transition easier for skids?

how to step back in after stepping out?

Husband still feels guilty, his kids in their 30’s

I am frustrated with my skids 99% of the time...help!

I feel jealous of DH's ex & unheard by DH-Help!

I feel left out & sort of invisible w/ grown SD’s

I really love my FDH, but really wish his daughter didn't exist?

I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson

I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter

I want my bed back

I would like to know how to change my attitude towards my new inherited family

I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me.

If you're in the mood for SMOMS Pep Talk-read this!

Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough

It's too much work- I need help from DH & Family!

Jealous of sister-in-law & Skids-what can I do?

Just jealous or maybe time to leave?

Local support stepmom groups???

My DH doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt

My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night.

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…

No matter what I do, bio-mom still hostile. I feel hopeless & scared

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance

Open for your Questions in March 2015

Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!!

Self-Pity-it's an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic

Someone to talk to when things come up or whenever?

SS5 keeps throwing his BM in my face! Help!

Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter

Stubborn DH and sexually active teenage SS

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!

the problem is my partner...why is he fighting my efforts?

Transitions and Coparenting Struggles

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.

Venting Guidelines- A Requested approach

What are reasonable expectations?

What are these letters?

What boundaries do I need to set with husband and sd?

What can we do about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help!

What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old SS

What to do when Bio mom starts turning step daughter against me?

what to do when step child stops saying I love you?

When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your DH?

When BM causes drama, how to prevent that impacting my relationship w/ the skids?

When to call it quits? What to do?

When winning more important to bio-mom than getting along

Why do things Skid's say bother me so & what to do?-Updated!

Why does it bother me that my skids don't recognize how much their father does for th

Why does my ss's rudeness bother me so?

Why does my stepson Idolize his bio-mom????

Why don't I matter in the family?

Why so jealous? What about irrational fears?

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.
Hi Cathryn,

I'm glad to have found you and this site.
I am recently a Stepmother, recently as in the last month.
I knew that being a Stepmother would be hard, especially at my age.
I'm only 18.
My partner is 17, and his bubba was a mistake.

He didn't want anything to do with his ex partner until she didn't give him a say in this situation. She was having it, and that was it. He wasn't so thrilled considering she is just simply mean and pushes everyone around and he really didn't want to be stuck in her presence for the rest of his life.

I don't blame him, but he is such a good person and of course was there through out the whole pregnancy, and that was hard for me to deal with. I know it was the right thing for him to do, so I pushed through it, but now the baby’s born, he has to go over her house for hours on end by himself.

I understand that he needs to connect with the baby and whatnot, but she brings the baby to his house as well, so I don't see why someone else couldn’t go to her house when she's home alone ?

He has done things in the past to lose my trust a little, so it's hard to deal with that. It's even harder knowing that she's the type of woman that would use the baby just to get close to my partner, if she really wanted to.

My partner and I have only been together for six months. I know it doesn't seem that long but when you're so certain about someone, you can't just leave, and I really want to make this work and get over these insecurities. Also, I'm really scared I'm not going to love the baby as much because he's not my own, and because of the type of person his Mother is.

I forgot to add that all I had wanted for a long time was to be a young Mum and have a baby of my own, and now I can't for a long time because my partner now has a new born, and his family wouldn't support that. I'm really crushed about that, and at the fact that I don't get to have his first child. Is this normal?

I'm honestly just writing to see what you had to say, and to see if I'm wrong for being so insecure. I have no idea how to deal with this.

I truly appreciate any feedback and thank-you for your time, Kim

CATHRYN’S REPLY:

My dear Kim,

You’re dealing with so many things as such a young age that I’m not sure I can offer you anything that will be helpful. I can tell you that it is very normal to want to have the first baby experience with the man you love and that this disappointment is something that many stepmoms, especially the ones entering the relationship without any bio-kids experiences. We have a dream. It’s not going to happen with this man and there is nothing we can do to change the past. It’s very normal to feel this way.

Of all the things you wrote, let’s focus, for a moment, on the issue of trust and the fact that there are some trust issues with your partner, this is a very important aspect of any intimate relationship and, at your ages, with the passion so strongly stirring in your hearts and bodies, it’s something to think long and hard about before you make this relationship permanent. Sadly, love is not enough to make a relationship work.

You already know your ages.
You already know the reality of the situation.
What if you looked at things from a new perspective to see if it gives you any more insights into what YOU want and need.

Can you make a list of the “Top 50 things you want to experience in your life”?
Can you make a list of the “Top 50 qualities of the man of your Dreams”?
This is going to require some brutal honesty on your part because you already feel so much love for your present partner. However, you have another 70-80 years on the planet so it could be a good thing to look into what you really want in a partner. Your whole life is ahead of you and that’s a priceless thing, right?

Is there a counselor you could talk to about your feelings? About the strong pull you feel for this fellow? Not someone to tell you what to do but someone to help you understand why the strong attraction to someone who, right from the start is bringing you pain and denying your a lifelong dream AND still pulls at your heart?

This is NOT a right or wrong thing! This is an emotional exploration of your needs, wounds and wants so you can become very conscious of what you are doing and why. Are you a reader? If so, you may want to read a book I recommend to everyone called, “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Dr. Alice Miller. Even though you are still on the edge of your childhood, it will teach you things to help you understand yourself in new and profoundly helpful ways. If it feels right, take a look.

If you read the “Lessons Learned” under the “get help” button on the home page, you will read what a few dozen stepmoms would have done differently if they could do it all over again. Take some time to read through through those as well.

I know that love is a powerful force. So is passion. What I want for you is that ability for you to have ALL that you deserve and the freedom to experience it with a man you love and want to share them with.

Could it be that this man is giving you a chance to calibrate, measure and become clear about what you DO and DON’t want from a partner?

Could he be an important person, but just a stepping stone, on your pathway of growth as you mature and become wiser and wiser about what YOU want from life?

Could it be that this experience is helping you become aware of some of your own emotional wounds that could really use your attention and healing at this time, before you make life impacting choices?

Life is quite a journey and even at 56, I’m still learning and growing and healing from experiences I had and choices I made throughout my life. I’ve been married and divorced and as I look back on those choices, I see how I learned from each experience. I also see how blinded I was by my the dreams of love and my unawareness of of how my choices were so compelled and driven by my emotional wounds. We all have lessons to learn and there’s something to learn from all our relationships so I don’t feel there’s a right or wrong in whatever you decide. How about an additional goal to be as aware (as conscious) as possible about all your choices and why you’re making them?

You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and a strong, loving heart.
I wish you all kinds of insights and the joy that comes from personal revelations as you continue on your path. I hope you will sign up for the Bulletin board, if you haven’t already. Want a whole bunch of loving older sisters? We will help you as long as you want it!

Loving good wishes to you, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
PO Box 7, Medford NJ 08055
609.206.2009
Cathryn@smoms.org