Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
2 Youngsters I can't control.

3 yr old SS crying all the time!

A bio-mom worried about new stepmom in her daughter's life- can we help?

About ready to throw in the towel!

About to become a step parent and am terrified!

Bio mom badmouthing me to my stepson & he repeats to me & my kids.

Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do?

Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.

Bio-mom is online stalking & has issues w/ pictures of skids.

Bio-mom physically assaulted me & telling skids it was the other way around?

Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?

Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS-revised

Dealing w/ bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me?

Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family

Dealing with SD at my young age

DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible

DH sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do?

DH w/3 bio-kids not trying to bond w/ my 2 bio kids.

Do I love my ss? I don't know.

Does the BB help or hurt with issues?

Don't know where I went wrong

Ever Feel Like Leaving?

FDH feels guilty about leaving BM & allows her to excessively call/text/email him.

Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help!

Feeling like the enemy in my own house: Teen SD

Feeling resentment towards my SS & can't connect

From BB- A Ritual for you & your beloved

From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that?

Help w/situation that dad, biomom & skid all agree on but I don’t feel is best

Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS

How can I find the right balance & Boundaries?

How can I handle my SD8 who loves negative attention?

How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family when I'm more realistic about it?

How do I deal with a lying SD, her bio-mom & the ex-step mom?

How do I deal with all the hurt and anger?

How do I help her understand that chores and rules don't mean that I don’t love her?

How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend?

How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices?

How to deal w/ unkind skids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship?

how to deal w/SD choosing bio-mom for school play?

How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$?

How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?

How to help ss, when BM encourages him to lie?

How to help when bio-mom returns

How to let go of the single life I thought I saw going to live versus being SMOM?

How to make transition easier for skids?

how to step back in after stepping out?

Husband still feels guilty, his kids in their 30’s

I am frustrated with my skids 99% of the time...help!

I feel jealous of DH's ex & unheard by DH-Help!

I feel left out & sort of invisible w/ grown SD’s

I really love my FDH, but really wish his daughter didn't exist?

I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson

I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter

I want my bed back

I would like to know how to change my attitude towards my new inherited family

I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me.

If you're in the mood for SMOMS Pep Talk-read this!

Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough

It's too much work- I need help from DH & Family!

Jealous of sister-in-law & Skids-what can I do?

Just jealous or maybe time to leave?

Local support stepmom groups???

My DH doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt

My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night.

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…

No matter what I do, bio-mom still hostile. I feel hopeless & scared

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance

Open for your Questions in March 2015

Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!!

Self-Pity-it's an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic

Someone to talk to when things come up or whenever?

SS5 keeps throwing his BM in my face! Help!

Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter

Stubborn DH and sexually active teenage SS

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!

the problem is my partner...why is he fighting my efforts?

Transitions and Coparenting Struggles

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.

Venting Guidelines- A Requested approach

What are reasonable expectations?

What are these letters?

What boundaries do I need to set with husband and sd?

What can we do about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help!

What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old SS

What to do when Bio mom starts turning step daughter against me?

what to do when step child stops saying I love you?

When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your DH?

When BM causes drama, how to prevent that impacting my relationship w/ the skids?

When to call it quits? What to do?

When winning more important to bio-mom than getting along

Why do things Skid's say bother me so & what to do?-Updated!

Why does it bother me that my skids don't recognize how much their father does for th

Why does my ss's rudeness bother me so?

Why does my stepson Idolize his bio-mom????

Why don't I matter in the family?

Why so jealous? What about irrational fears?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?
Hi Cathryn,

I'm in a relationship with a great guy and wonderful father....He has three kids ranging age from 3 to 8.

The Bio-Mom told him she was done with the kids tonight.  This is what he wants to have the kids all the time.  

I’m fine with the kids here and to be part of their lives.  I have no issues with the Bio-mom and seem to get along with her when we are in the same place.

The history between the Bio-mom and Bio-Dad....they never were married.  They have been separated for over a 1 year.  How it ended (I was told) She had affair.  Now Bio-Dad does not respect her and really wants her to out of the picture.
Bio-Mom has been reported to Social Service for kicking her son in the face.  Bio-mom does not cook and usually give the kids cereal, or frozen food for all meals.  She does not love them after they have been punished.  She seems to be interested and take kids when it hurts the Bio-Dad. Bio-mom has been in contact with other mothers who almost do everything with their kids.  Bio-mom seem to be wanting to be there with them, but doesn't really care about the kids once she is in the presents of other mothers.

The issue or question:  lately bio-mom has been calling bio-dad for everything from bring foil to cook chicken for the kids, but in reality she had ham sandwiches to losing the keys to the car so Bio-Dad comes to the rescue.  

This is what I believe why is Bio-mom is giving up the kids...bio-mom does not like that I am in the mix.  Therefore by having the kids all the time, maybe I will leave and get tired of the kids.  The kids are a hand full but seem to have a better time with us.

Plus, the Bio-Dad and I are having our own challenges and communication problems.  The Bio-Dad has been having issues with me in the mix when it comes to having events with the Bio-mom. (but only then. other times with just me, him and the kids...we are fine)

I really don't understand why she is giving up her kids other then what I describe.  Am I thinking wrong?  Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER?  Should I not think of this?  

I am just sad if she really wants to give up her kids and have nothing to do with them.  If she thinks this will make me leave Bio-Dad...she has a rude waking.

Thanks for your response and I look forward to hearing from you

xappie

CATHRYN’S REPLY

Dear xappie,

I’ve read your letter 3 times now and each time I read it I feel overwhelmed by the potential number of issues I fear you’re about to face with this situation. I’d like to suggest that you read the section, “Lessons Learned” for some insights from other women who’ve been down the path you’re just beginning. (It’s under the “Get Help” now button.) While everyone’s situation has unique details, there’s much we share. Your relationship with your BF, it’s depth, strength and level of commitment are going to be a big factor is how all this effects your life going forward.

This biological mother, we call them bio-mom’s (or some call them BM’s), has got a lot of emotional issues and has already demonstrated some confusion over her desires and roles in the lives of her children. Her relationship with your BF and his feelings about her and his divorce are going to make a big difference in what happens going forward. While your BF is lucky to have you to help him, I feel the need to urge you to look at your needs and wants and dreams for your life.

Your question about “Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER? Short answer, perhaps because she IS the bio-mom and they are her responsibility. It’s a reasonable question and expectation. However, for whatever reasons she’s still doing what she’s doing, and from what you’ve described, she’s giving you a preview of her actions for the next 10-15 years!

There’s a lot of material on this site and this BB about what so many of us have experienced. A difficult bio-mom puts tremendous stress on you, your BF and your relationship...tremendous stress. Maybe something written here will help you find the answers you’re looking for. We’ll be here to support you along the way. Please join the Bulletin board so you can interact with others. You’re in for quite a journey.

I really wish you well, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
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609.206.2009
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