Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
2 Youngsters I can't control.

3 yr old SS crying all the time!

A bio-mom worried about new stepmom in her daughter's life- can we help?

About ready to throw in the towel!

About to become a step parent and am terrified!

Bio mom badmouthing me to my stepson & he repeats to me & my kids.

Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do?

Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.

Bio-mom is online stalking & has issues w/ pictures of skids.

Bio-mom physically assaulted me & telling skids it was the other way around?

Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?

Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS-revised

Dealing w/ bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me?

Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family

Dealing with SD at my young age

DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible

DH sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do?

DH w/3 bio-kids not trying to bond w/ my 2 bio kids.

Do I love my ss? I don't know.

Does the BB help or hurt with issues?

Don't know where I went wrong

Ever Feel Like Leaving?

FDH feels guilty about leaving BM & allows her to excessively call/text/email him.

Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help!

Feeling like the enemy in my own house: Teen SD

Feeling resentment towards my SS & can't connect

From BB- A Ritual for you & your beloved

From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that?

Help w/situation that dad, biomom & skid all agree on but I don’t feel is best

Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS

How can I find the right balance & Boundaries?

How can I handle my SD8 who loves negative attention?

How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family when I'm more realistic about it?

How do I deal with a lying SD, her bio-mom & the ex-step mom?

How do I deal with all the hurt and anger?

How do I help her understand that chores and rules don't mean that I don’t love her?

How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend?

How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices?

How to deal w/ unkind skids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship?

how to deal w/SD choosing bio-mom for school play?

How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$?

How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?

How to help ss, when BM encourages him to lie?

How to help when bio-mom returns

How to let go of the single life I thought I saw going to live versus being SMOM?

How to make transition easier for skids?

how to step back in after stepping out?

Husband still feels guilty, his kids in their 30’s

I am frustrated with my skids 99% of the time...help!

I feel jealous of DH's ex & unheard by DH-Help!

I feel left out & sort of invisible w/ grown SD’s

I really love my FDH, but really wish his daughter didn't exist?

I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson

I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter

I want my bed back

I would like to know how to change my attitude towards my new inherited family

I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me.

If you're in the mood for SMOMS Pep Talk-read this!

Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough

It's too much work- I need help from DH & Family!

Jealous of sister-in-law & Skids-what can I do?

Just jealous or maybe time to leave?

Local support stepmom groups???

My DH doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt

My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night.

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…

No matter what I do, bio-mom still hostile. I feel hopeless & scared

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance

Open for your Questions in March 2015

Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!!

Self-Pity-it's an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic

Someone to talk to when things come up or whenever?

SS5 keeps throwing his BM in my face! Help!

Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter

Stubborn DH and sexually active teenage SS

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!

the problem is my partner...why is he fighting my efforts?

Transitions and Coparenting Struggles

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.

Venting Guidelines- A Requested approach

What are reasonable expectations?

What are these letters?

What boundaries do I need to set with husband and sd?

What can we do about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help!

What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old SS

What to do when Bio mom starts turning step daughter against me?

what to do when step child stops saying I love you?

When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your DH?

When BM causes drama, how to prevent that impacting my relationship w/ the skids?

When to call it quits? What to do?

When winning more important to bio-mom than getting along

Why do things Skid's say bother me so & what to do?-Updated!

Why does it bother me that my skids don't recognize how much their father does for th

Why does my ss's rudeness bother me so?

Why does my stepson Idolize his bio-mom????

Why don't I matter in the family?

Why so jealous? What about irrational fears?

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance
Hi Cathryn

My name is Christina (23) I live in Cape Town. My boyfriends daughter will be 3 this November.
We have been dating for only 6 months, but it is a serious relationship.

I have met his daughter before but as she is only 2 there is only so much I can do to communicate with her.
I would just like to know if what I am doing is on the right track.. My b'fs ex is a disaster and complete tyrant when it comes to her ex and me. So she does make visiting difficult for my bf.
This weekend was the first weekend we could peacefully be with the toddler.. here is what measure we took to ensure that its a slow and delicate process of me getting to know her.

1. I supplied Dora the Explorer (her fav) colouring pics and a lucky packet. We drew and coloured in together when she wanted to.
2. My bf and I displayed no affection in front of her.
3. Daddy did the discipline
4. I played with her and gave her a lot of attention.
5. Avoided all mention of her mom as not to make her think of her mom to avoid crying for her mom.
6. I understand that I am NOT her mom and did not in any way try and be her mom.
7. I am trying to build a friendship with her first.. whatever happens after that will be based on our relationship.
8. I did not sleep over when his daughter slept over- as per mothers wishes and agreement with myself and my bf.  

If you have any other advise for me please share. Its bad enough that the BM is making our lives very very difficult.

Thanks so much.

Christina (CT)

CATHRYN’S REPLY
Dear Christina,

It’s good to hear from you. As I was reading, I was thinking, “Good for you,” “Great” and “that’s terrific”. You’re surely a SMOM in the making. Your willingness to show the bio-mom that you are respecting her role as the bio-mom is terrific. My ss bio-mom was so upset about my presence, I agreed to stay out of all public functions for the first year we were together. I did it for the same reason you did, it was a tangible attempt to demonstrate that you’re a good person, wanting to have a positive relationship with all members of this newly forming blended family. Good for you!

I bet there are many SMOMS on the site, who’ve recently been through meeting the little ones so I hope you’ll post a question on the general BB as well to get all their ideas. I wrote a couple of Smommentaries about “Connecting with your skids”, but she’s a bit little for most of those ideas.

From the sounds of it you’re going to have no trouble connecting with this little girl. It’s wonderful that you and your BF are being so conscious about helping her and giving her the chance to come to you, when she wants to. The Daddy time will be enhanced by your presence and that’s a thoughtful gift to her.

From what you have said, the challenges are going to come from the bio-mom and we have lots of ideas and insights that may help you prepare for your journey with her. Have you read the Smommentaries about the bio-moms? Or the ones about “The movie Miracle” and “do to want to be right or happy” as well as my recent post about “when bio-mom wants winning more than getting along” ? These will all give you some guidance. A good source for you may be to sit down, grab a cold glass of something and read our brand new “Lessons Learned” page. You can find it under the “Get Help” button of the main menu.

You are at the beginning of the journey. Like our SMOMS serenity Prayer says, we can only control so much. Sadly, there’s no way to get bio-moms to be gracious, kind or even civil, if they don’t want to be. Whatever drives her actions, you’re the logical “rage bucket” and it’s good to know that so you can take whatever measures you need to to take care of yourself and your relationship. Ironically, sometimes that kinder and more loving we are as stepmoms to our skids, the more we anger and agitate already hostile bio-moms. This can make life really, really hard for skids, SMOMS and bio-dads so the wiser you can be from the beginning, the better for you, your BF and his daughter. (Note: When I use the term hostile bio-mom, it’s a descriptive way to differentiate them from all the kind and civil bio-moms out there.)

Oh, one thing. You mentioned that you don’t show any affection to your BF in front of his daughter...hmmm? What if you just behaved as the joyful, loving, happy person you are and if that results in a happy hug, or kiss or pat on the cheek, why not? Perhaps, just hold off on the x-rated stuff, which you would do anyway, right? Seems to me that you should be able to be yourself AND feel that you’re being appropriate all at the same time.

What a lucky guy your BF is! Sounds like his daughter is lucky as well, even if she doesn’t know it...yet. I hope this reply and all the articles mentioned will give you some support. Also, please do get the ideas of all your sister SMOMS on the BB.

Best Wishes, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
PO Box 7, Medford NJ 08055
609.206.2009
Cathryn@smoms.org